The Gottman's Four Horsemen: Understanding the Communication Patterns that Negatively Impact Your Relationship
Our relationships can be one of the most fulfilling and comforting parts of our lives. Maintaining a healthy connection with our partners begins with understanding the communication patters that support and harm our relationship. In the world of relationship therapy, Drs. John and Julie Gottman are considered pioneers for their extensive research on what makes relationships succeed or fail. One of their key contributions is the concept of the "Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse," metaphorically representing four destructive behaviors that can signal the demise of a relationship. Understanding and addressing these patterns is essential for fostering a healthy, long-lasting partnership.
What Are the Four Horsemen?
The Four Horsemen are patterns of communication that Dr. John Gottman identified as predictors of relationship breakdowns. These four behaviors—criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling—can undermine the connection between partners if left unchecked.
1. Criticism
Criticism involves attacking your partner's character or personality rather than focusing on a specific behavior or action. This often starts with phrases like "You always..." or "You never...," framing a partner’s actions as a flaw in their character. Criticism can make the receiving partner feel attacked, leading to defensiveness and emotional distancing.
Impact on Relationships:
Frequent criticism can erode a partner's self-esteem and create a negative cycle of communication where both partners feel unappreciated and misunderstood. Over time, it fosters resentment and emotional detachment, making it harder to address issues constructively.
Alternative:
Replace criticism with a "gentle start-up." Instead of attacking your partner's character, focus on specific behaviors and express how they affect you. For example, instead of saying, "You never listen to me," you can say, "I feel unheard when we don’t talk about what’s bothering me."
2. Contempt
Contempt is the most destructive of the Four Horsemen and involves treating your partner with disrespect, mockery, sarcasm, or ridicule. It's an expression of moral superiority, where one partner belittles or dismisses the other. According to the Gottman’s, contempt in a relationship is the highest predictor of separation or divorce.
Impact on Relationships:
Contempt is toxic because it communicates disgust and condescension. It makes the recipient feel worthless and unloved. Over time, contempt can destroy the emotional foundation of a relationship, leading to disconnection, bitterness, and ultimately, separation or divorce.
Alternative:
The antidote to contempt is building a culture of appreciation and respect within the relationship. Regularly express gratitude and admiration for your partner’s qualities and actions, which can help counteract negative feelings and foster emotional connection.
3. Defensiveness
Defensiveness occurs when one partner responds to perceived criticism by making excuses, shifting blame, or refusing to take responsibility for their actions. It's a way of self-protection that often involves counterattacks or deflecting responsibility back onto the other partner.
Impact on Relationships:
Defensiveness fuels conflict rather than resolving it. When one partner becomes defensive, it escalates the argument and blocks effective communication. Over time, it leads to chronic miscommunication and unresolved issues, making it difficult to move forward as a couple.
Alternative:
Accept responsibility, even if it's only for a small part of the conflict. Acknowledging your role in the disagreement can de-escalate the situation and pave the way for constructive problem-solving.
4. Stonewalling
Stonewalling is when one partner withdraws from the conversation, either emotionally or physically, to avoid conflict. This can manifest as silence, monosyllabic responses, or leaving the room. It often occurs when a person feels overwhelmed and shuts down in response to emotional flooding.
Impact on Relationships:
Stonewalling can be particularly harmful because it prevents resolution and makes the other partner feel ignored and unimportant. Over time, stonewalling can create a significant emotional distance between partners, making it challenging to re-establish connection and trust.
Alternative:
The antidote to stonewalling is taking a break. When feeling overwhelmed, it’s important to step away from the conversation temporarily to calm down. After a short break, return to the discussion with a clearer mind and a willingness to engage constructively.
How to Address the Four Horsemen
While the Four Horsemen can be destructive, they don’t have to signal the end of a relationship. The Gottman’s emphasize that recognizing these behaviors and implementing their antidotes can help couples rebuild healthier communication patterns and foster stronger connections. Couples therapy can be a helpful space for partners to work on these issues with the guidance of a trained therapist.
Here are a few tips for addressing these behaviors in your relationship:
Self-awareness: Take time to reflect on your own communication habits. Are you often critical? Do you use sarcasm or mockery in arguments? Recognizing these patterns is the first step toward change.
Practice the antidotes: Work on replacing negative behaviors with their antidotes. Focus on expressing needs calmly, showing appreciation, taking responsibility, and managing emotional flooding through breaks.
Seek support: If these behaviors are deeply ingrained in your relationship, couples therapy can provide tools and strategies to break the cycle. A trained therapist can guide you in creating new, healthier ways of interacting with each other.
The Gottman’s Four Horsemen—criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling—are clear indicators of troubled relationships. However, by identifying and addressing these behaviors with empathy, understanding, and practical strategies, couples can rebuild their connection and create a more fulfilling, supportive partnership. Healthy relationships require both partners to work together in fostering open communication, mutual respect, and emotional security. Whether through self-reflection or professional support, it’s possible to move from disconnection to deeper connection.
For couples struggling with these issues, reaching out to a Gottman-trained therapist can be transformative steps in strengthening your relationship.
About the Author:
Daniel Moultrie, LMFT
Daniel Moultrie, LMFT is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist here at California Couples Counseling · San Francisco. Daniel’s areas of specialty include:
Relationship Issues, Entrepreneurs, Depression, Anxiety, Men’s Mental Health, Couples, and The Gottman Method
