How to Effectively Communicate Your Needs to your Partner (Examples)
Maintaining safety when rejecting an idea in relationships can be beneficial for both persons. There may be some instances where a person reacts in a negative manner to rejection because of past experiences. Depending on the type of rejection, the impact can be bigger than desired.
Rejecting while maintaining the relationship…
This concept is called the Positive – Negative – Positive Sandwich. The basis of this concept is that one validates and affirms the idea and person, rejects the idea being presented and provides an explanation as to the reason, and lastly offers a compromising or collaborating counteroffer.
Example: John approaches Jane to talk about what he wants to do for the evening with her. Jane is working on a project that requires her full attention. When John starts talking about it, what is a healthy way for Jane to respond to John?
If she says – “I can’t talk right now”, “Now is not a good time to talk”, “We didn’t have anything planned”, “I need to get this done”, and the list goes on…John may walk away recognizing that she is not rejecting him as a person, just the idea of talking at that time…or John may walk away feeling rejected by her…or John may yell or say mean things because he is feeling rejected by her…or he may shut down to the idea of spending time with her at all that evening.
Jane has the opportunity to prioritize what she is working on…If she acts in an accommodating manner to something that she prioritizes as high, then there could result in later feelings of resentment for Jane or John could expect her to accommodate to him every time if there aren’t proper boundaries set.
Validating and Affirming the Relationship and the Idea – Jane might say, “Spending time with you is important to me and I want to talk to you about what you would like to do tonight.”
Rejecting the Idea being presented – Jane might follow the previous statement by saying, “I really need to focus on this project because I will not have much time for doing it later and am not able to talk to you about this evening right now.”
Offering a Counteroffer that provides a stated Time of Occurrence – Jane might add, “I will be a couple more hours at this project and would like to talk to you after I am done so that I can devote my full attention to you.” or “This project is a lot more than I previously anticipated. I do not believe we will be able to do something this evening. When I am done I would like to talk to you about what we can do tomorrow night.”
Apologizing and Guilt – There is no need to apologize or feel guilty for rejecting an offer in this manner. It is a healthy way of setting boundaries that shows what is important to Jane – the relationship, the idea being offered, and the project.
Patience and Understanding – A healthy response to this by John acknowledges that he understands what is going on for Jane, values the importance she places on it and the relationship, and is patient in waiting to share in the idea being counteroffered with Jane at a later time.
Building Trust – John and Jane build trust within this relationship by trusting that the relationship and the person are not being rejected and the specified agreed time to share in the idea being counteroffered is not postponed and is kept.
Buts and Shoulds – Try to avoid language that offers going against a statement previously said or that places expectations on the way something “should” be.
Idea Being Rejected Altogether – Let’s say the proposed idea is not something that Jane wishes to partake in at all. It would be important to utilize the same structure, provide an explanation as to why the idea is being rejected altogether, and provide a counteroffer that shows a compromising or collaborative approach that still maintains the integrity of the relationship.
The purpose of the positive negative positive sandwich is not to sugar-coat everything. The purpose is to be mindful that people have feelings and emotions and past experiences and triggers. Utilizing is one tool to help people build healthier boundaries and relationships.
About the Author:
Christopher Kelm, LMFT
Christopher Kelm, LMFT is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist here at California Couples Counseling · San Francisco. Christopher’s areas of specialty include:
Infidelity & Affair Recovery, Relationship Issues, Life Transitions, Depression, Anxiety, Men’s Mental Health, Couples, and The Gottman Method